When what you’re meant to be on top of, is on top of you.
You are so much more than what you do, or what you’re paid to do. Most of you hold a fist full of roles and responsibilities like a bunch of balloons bobbing above your head. I’m not talking about the roles and responsibilities you list on your LinkedIn. I’m talking about ALL the titles you hold.
I am a qualified mindfulness facilitator, I’ve taught yoga for six years and I am currently studying to become a functional breath coach. I am also a mother, partner, daughter and friend.
No one is only one thing. Every professional is also a person.
And sometimes it’s the personal where it comes unstuck. You can be doing your paid job amazingly - that balloon keeps bobbing - but some of the others are deflating…desperate for air.
As I sit in the Children’s Ward at Wellington Hospital, scribbling notes in my daughter’s scrapbook while she sleeps next to me, exhausted from a sleepless night, I reflect on one of the most stressful years of my life.
I’ve just made it through three months of solo parenting.
My partner was away in Rotorua, training to become a firefighter. My daughters and I moved into my parents house - my childhood home - for extra support. It was smack bang in the middle of a horrible winter and we were slammed with incessant illnesses. With two preschoolers, there was no way of escaping any of it. The bugs infiltrated our house and everyone in it. Which is how I’ve ended up here, in yesterday’s clothes, mastering upright sleeping and grateful our daughter is now slowly improving.
I tried to meet the demands of work and family but to be honest I just skidded along the surface. Surviving, certainly not thriving. My balloons look like the shrivelled ones you find behind the TV weeks after the party.
The irony here is not lost on me. On our website I’m referred to as ‘The Zen One - the calm you’ve been craving’. I coach clients on how to manage stress and anxiety. I have all the tools to keep it altogether. Do I all the time? Absolutely not. I’ve been a walking, talking example of overwhelm.
But at amandamillar&co, we’re all about getting comfortable being uncomfortable. I’m sharing my story (and it is uncomfortable) because I need to practise what we preach.
Wellness advice is normally delivered by someone who at some point in their life overcame adversity. We figure they now have their sh*t sorted and feel zen as f*ck all the time. Sometimes this makes us feel even worse. Isn’t it more real, more human, more relatable when someone is honest and courageous enough to put their hand up and say, ‘I’m in the thick of it now’?
I know from the conversations I’ve had at the playground and in our training rooms with clients, the vast majority of us are feeling exhausted and at saturation point - depleted from the last two years of working out life in a pandemic.
We’re all looking for a quick fix or a “life hack.” When it comes to stress and anxiety, there isn’t one. A green smoothie, a hot soak or a one-off yoga class won't do a whole lot in the long run if your nervous system is on overdrive.
What it takes is self-awareness and personal commitment to create change. It helps to start small.
Here are four actions things that have kept my balloons (somewhat) bobbing lately:
First of all, if you’re not coping. It’s ok to be honest about it. Tell the ones you love.
Ask them to support you with your ‘daily non-negotiable’. For me, this has been my daily run. Exercise makes me less reactive; a more productive employee and a calmer mother. It helps me gain perspective.
The quickest and most effective way to turn off your stress response is to use the breath. Become aware of how you’re breathing. Our breath is part of our autonomic nervous system, we’re lucky it runs like a software programme in the background. But because of this, most of us are unaware of how we are breathing. Shallow, upper chest breathing is part of our typical stress response. Fuller, deeper breaths using the diaphragm help control the nervous system and encourage your body to relax. Set regular reminders on your phone to check in with your breath or use an app (such as Sarah Laurie’s - Take a Breath app) to create an awareness.
Be kind to yourself. Know that you’re doing your best and no human being is perfect. Chances are you’re doing a mighty fine job.